I Met My Girlfriend at the Abortion Clinic

by Sam David

Now before you start getting judgmental, I have to clarify a couple of things. One: Maria wasn’t getting an abortion; her younger sister was. Two: I wasn’t there for any abortion related reason; actually, I thought the abortion clinic was a McDonalds. I should have known when I went to walk through the drive-thru and there wasn’t one. Also, the protesters and the picket line might have tipped off a less hunger crazed individual. But, I was famished! I just needed to double check, so I went inside and ordered a number two. Briefly thereafter, I was informed, that in fact, it was not a McDonalds, but Mason City’s abortion clinic. I would have killed for a double cheeseburger and value size fries, but getting a girlfriend was just delightful. Unlike other people in the waiting room, I had made a wonderful mistake.

I remember meeting her just like it was yesterday. Actually, it might have been yesterday. I've been engaged in lite-hearted celebration since finishing finals at university -- GO BOBCAAATS!!!! -- and I've been having so much fun that the days tend to blend together. However, regardless of the date, I'm pretty convinced that I must have been intoxicated on that fateful day -- Intoxicated with love.

I remember how beautiful Maria was, offset by her sister crying and screaming in her cell phone at her baby's daddy. Maria was texting her ex-boyfriend and twirling her lush, semi-permed hair around her purple, sparkly, self-adhesive nails . She looked up at me as I proceeded to urinate on the fake ficus in the waiting room. As I strolled over to start light conversation, I stumbled over a poorly placed cofee table and practically landed in her lap. Everyone in the room must have seen how nervous I was to talk to her -- What a butter-fingers! I was so love struck that I proceeded to vomit in her lap. She looked down at me with the cutest mad face, "OHHH NO U DI-NNNN'T". Oh Yes I did, honey buns. Yes I did.

It was love at first sight. Sure, she may have her issues: but at 23, who hasn't had several children from different men or another man's name tattooed on their neck? We've all been there. Who are we to judge?

I'll admit that telling people I met my girlfriend in an abortion clinic is a little different. But it's no different than locking eyes while reaching for the same loaf of bread at the grocery store, or falling head over heels at line at the coffee shop. Love doesn't wait for you to be in a socially acceptable venue for flirtation. Sometimes love just happens. And that's why I have no shame in saying that I met my girlfriend at the abortion clinic.