American Board of Taste Representative Speaks Out: Mr. Pibb and Red Vines: Crazy Delicious?

by Michael O'Connor

Lazy Sunday, a music video short by Chris Parnell and Andy Samberg, offends my sensibilities by the very definition of the statement. I am outraged by their non-sensory and audacious portrayal of African American music (ie, 'Hip-Hop') and movie enthusiasts worldwide. They encourage drug use, profanity, gluttony, and all around debauchery. What's worse: they falsely proclaim that 'Mr Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious'.

Crazy Delicious should be a term reserved for only the finest of cuisines. A footlong bratwurst, topped in homemade kraut, might fit the bill. Or a hot slice of meatloaf, smothered in brown gravy. My wife's shepard's pie borders on crazy delicious, but I'll be frank; it isn't quite there. It would fall short, into the category of 'Absurd Delicious'. Point being, these standards aren't something that should be taken lightly.

Friends, I am not saying that these items in themselves do not meet the delicious threshold. I'll admit, albeit, the twenty three flavors packed into Dr. Pepper might even be called taste-a-licous. However, red licorice rope barely meets the delicious standard and has no contest with traditional black licorice. Like my father always used to say, 'Why refurbish it if it was never broken?' Of course, by it, I am referring to cogs in an industrial machine in an iron mill, which my father worked in, back in 1933. And Those cogs represent black licorice. Black Licorice was not broken.

Chris and Andy: your judgement of taste has clearly been affected by consumption of drugs. Therefore, as acting president of the American Board of Taste, your privileges of assessing taste are hereby revoked. You may no longer use the phrase 'Crazy-Delicious', under Section 6 sanctions of our bylaws. You have been forewarned.

In hindsight, I am unsure whether you were ever authorized to use them. To my knowledge, you are not official voting members of the American Board of Taste, which precludes use of the following terms: 'Crazy Delicious', 'Absurd Delicous', 'Silly Delicous', 'Taste-A-Licious', etc. A full list can be found in our bylaws. Gentlemen, get your act together, and lay off the narcotics.