This is definitely NOT my department

by Steve Bosworth

Trust me, you can ask questions all you want, but I can assure you right now: This is NOT my department. I may have the outward appearance of a very nice, approachable and knowledgeable individual, who is eager to answer all your Do-It-Yourself related home construction queries. This is true, but happenstance has caught us in a zone of the store in which I am unable to formulate a response.

I know what you are going to say next. That, my friend, is another question I cannot answer. Being that I am so far removed from the designated area in which I am mentally apt to answer your questions, I would not be familiar with the employees who actually DO work in this particular section. Remembering all the employees throughout this D-I-Y mega convenience center would be both mentally and socially straining, detracting from my ability to provide focused and informed answers to the questions directed at me whilst inside my zone of questionability.

I understand that your question is simple and just requires a general direction in which I believe a certain item might be located. I apologize, but again, I must assure you that my perception is significantly altered once I leave the zone designated for my employment. Answering such a question could rip a hole in the D-I-Y space/time continuum, which would be both the end of time and existence. Heaven and Hell would collide on earth, causing a massacre of epic proportions and the end of humanity. In such a circumstance, NO ONE would be able to answer all your home project related interrogatories or soothe your construction related concerns . That would most certainly detract from the 'convenience with a smile' attitude we are trying to convey.

What's that you ask? No, again, I'm sorry, but I cannot inform you of what particular department I work in, or the name of my manager. Being that I started work two months ago, I have yet to actually find my department, or meet the manager of aforesaid department. However, when I do find it, I can assure you that I will be happy to answer all of your questions in a friendly and appropriately educated manner. Until then, I will continue to wander around the store appearing busy, because this is definitely not my department.