Looking For: Friends

by Young Zombie Professional




I feel like I'm a real outgoing Zombie. I'm up to date on politics, have a pretty good sense of humor, comparatively good fashion sense, and a fervent love of Indie music. Hell, I even breeze up on pop culture news now and again, just in case I get caught up in a random conversation about Shiloh's new wardrobe or Bono's latest trip to a third world country. But contrary to popular belief, being a Zombie doesn't exactly make you prime real estate in friend country. When was the last time you heard someone say, "Hey Zombie, you want to go grab a beer and watch the Phillies Game?" or "Hey Zombs, could you help me out and play wing man on friday?" Last time I checked, that happened never. Apparently, trying to eat a girl's brain while she leans over to ladel clam chowder into her mouth during a double date ruins the mood. (Thanks for the heads up on that one, Dad -- Maybe if you spent less time wandering around the countryside moaning and more time at home with your family, I wouldn't be so emotionally inept)

Do you how it feels when you go to the trendy store to buy a pre-worn shirt with a sexually suggestive quip across the chest and every 18 to 25 year old runs out screaming in sheer terror? The only people that even debate helping me try on clothes are those burned out freaks that work in the commercialized excuse of a rebellion. You know what I'm talking about, that place that sells metal records and 80s memorabilia to kids who got made fun of in 4th grade. No Thanks, weirdos. While we're on the subject, just because I'm a Zombie doesn't mean I love Hell, Satan, JNCO Jeans and Iron Maiden. And no, I don't want to hang out and smoke cigarrettes with you while you talk about how much your parents suck.

UUUUHHHHHHHHH!!!! (low guttoral moaning, slowly getting louder)

oh, sorry, I got sidetracked there for a minute. What were we discussing? Oh yes. I'll continue.



Despite the obvious advantages of scaring away everyone within a half mile radius, smelling like a rotting deer carcass and having the mobility of a 95 year old on meds, being a zombie doesn't have many advantages. I literally can't leave my studio for more than an hour without some gung-ho, ex-marine meathead, flying high on a cocktail of anabolic steroids, trying to decapitate me with some kind of powertool. Seriously Rambo, chill the fuck out.


Given my predicament, I had all about given up on the idea of finding a bunch of like-minded, witty, informed and active colleagues, with which to exchange thoughtful conversation and playful banter. That was until I found the beauty that is FaceSpace. Finally, a forum so detached, yet intimate, that even beings condemned to wander the earth decaying and feasting on the flesh of the living can know intimate details about someone's life, interests, and favorite television programs!

For instance, just the other day, I got to know Stacey H in a way I thought I never could. She loves the OC, likes coke over pepsi, Hates asparagus and NEVER kisses in public, cause she had a baaaaad ex bf experience. LMAO!!! Haha, I'd tell you the story, but ONLY people in her designated top friends area know about it.

Plus, I can let people know a bit about me -- although my interests of stumbling in large groups, moaning and eating brains are a little lackluster -- so I've picked up some fake ones to make friends, like sipping lattes at Starbucks, reading, and Tai Chi. Also, I replaced my pic with a random guy i found on google with a six pack. My schedule is too tight for me to go to the gym, do abs at home, or really do anything except think about eating human flesh. So I figured I would just use his photo instead. It's been a choice move for making friends -- I already have 50 within 5 miles of my postal code!

So if you are from my particular area and spend a fair amount of time on the internet, look me up! I'd love to exchange messages with you and add you to my friend group.
www.facespace.com/youngzombprofesh. Lata Playa!



(if you are sitting there thinking, 'hey idiot, Zombies have no capacity to think or speak, let alone listen to music, purchase a t-shirt, pay rent for a studio or to use a computer or access the internet -- [first off, you are a nerd, NERD] -- but I have one question for YOU. when was the last time you met a zombie? just because you read a book by Max Brooks doesn't mean your an expert. In addition, his views are completely bias against zombies as a group -- I wouldn't take everything you read as fact)