by Mark Peterman
Hi there. Didn't notice that I was shooting a television commercial, targeted at day time television watchers, who might need legal services. As you can see, I was busy researching law topics in a pretentiously clad legal office and taking my glasses on and off, while that other lawyer was spitting water all over himself because he is intimidated about my credentials. That's because I am hard working, lawyer who is out to defend YOUR RIGHTS and win you BIG CASH MONEY. Have you been run over by a tractor trailer? Did your boss accidentally drop a cinderblock on your legs while you were eating lunch two stories below? What's that blue screen say off camera? Oh yes. Blah blah blah, blah blah [insert big legal word] blah blah [insert legal justice conclusion] --PAUSE-- [insert game face]. Here at the Firm [Insert long string of last names], we are banking on YOU to get seriously, but not fatally, injured.
In all honesty, fatalities are a pain in the ass. Usually I have to put on a daytime soap act of concern about the deceased in front of the family while they whimper and tell me 'how great' the deceased was. Yeah right. If he was 'so great', he wouldn't have gotten in a four car pile up. On top of that, I have to deal with a TON of paperwork. Boooooring. Plus, I don't have a half dead guy to prop up in front of the jury for those extra emotional dollars. (Cha-Ching! Can you say house boat? Probably not, cause you are half dead)
Now you can't be drunk, or injure yourself. And please, don't go off getting injured by someone who is flat broke to begin with. What good is a half a mil' settlement when you can't collect? No good. I'm not in the business of putting a lien on someone's house, or reaping the benefits of a repo'd Kia Sportage. Like I said, it's house boat season, and you need to step it up. Getting injured at work? Great. Getting injured at work, within the scope of your employment, for a national chain of department stores? Now we're talkin.
Aesthetically, it would be nice if the injury isn't that visually shocking. Nobody wants to look at you when your face is all half melted off by sulphuric acid. Gross. Missing limbs are OK, just as long as they are presentable. Fake limbs are even better. You could flail it around during trial and knock things off the desk. Wheel chairs, crutches, casts -- all good things. But lose the neck brace, they are so cliche faux injury. We are going for believable, sad, and nice. Throwing in a cute wife, 2.5 kids and a family pet doesn't hurt to seal the deal. As I always say, "If people can relate, they will compensate."
So get out there and start following tractor trailers. If you are at work, take that risky assignment your boss gives on the construction site. You might as well jot my number down now, to save the hassle of me having to stalk you in the hospital parking lot. Just remember, we're banking on YOU to get seriously, but not fatally, injured.
[Disclaimer: The above legal blog does not constitute legal advice by Mark Peterman. Unless you have already been injured. In that case, by reading above blog, you have entered into a binding agreement in which Mark Peterman is your sole legal representative, for all your personal injury cases, throughout the universe, for eternity]
